Chemistry of a Car Crash
by ALC Punk
Summary: Kara Thrace and Sam Anders, painted in shades of angst. Based on things RDM has said about their marriage.


Disclaimer: not mine. Rating: er... 13+ish?  
Pairing(s): Kara Thrace/Sam Anders, mentions of Ellen/Saul, Kara/Leoben, Kara/anyone Set: LYDB, but with Eye of J. spoilery indications.  
Genre: ...angst.  
Length:1,000+ Notes: I never thought I'd be able to use THIS title for Kara/Sam. Damn you, Ron. Title belongs to a Shiny Toy Guns song. 

**_Chemistry of a Car Crash_** by ALC Punk!

When Kara pops the question, Sam can smell the sex and stale sweat on her. He's got a pounding headache, but he loves her. And he thinks he knows enough about her to get her more than anyone else will. If she gives her word, she keeps it. If he marries her, she will be his--maybe not always, but in the ways that count. She might even love him.

They make their vows before the Gods and he smiles at her goofily and she smiles back and his headache goes away.

I love you, he thinks. But he doesn't say it. He doesn't think he has to.

-

The first time Kara cheats on him, Sam tries to tell himself it doesn't hurt, but knows he's lying to himself. She crawls into bed smelling of sweat and alcohol, and he thinks he was wrong to be okay with expecting this.

It's not her fault. She's damaged, and he's not sure how deeply. But it was there before, and now, lying sprawled next to him looking perfectly innocent, he wonders if he can see the cracks in her. Or if that's just the scattered light from outside their tent.

He falls asleep with his fingers tangled in hers.

-

Maybe he can handle it, he thinks in the morning when she's curled up against him.

Coldly, logically, he works at figuring the boundaries of their relationship. Pushing the conversations from one end of the spectrum to the other. Getting close emotionally, then backing off when she runs off again. The distance is too much, so he works his way back, near, far, until he's got some of it worked out.

The night he talks about children, she tells him to frak off and disappears.

When she comes to bed, she's giggling and high. But at his stiff response, she whispers, as if in reassurance, "They don't get to keep me, Sam."

It's not enough, but he has to let it be.

-

She never tells him a lie. As much as he might wish for it, she's perfectly frank about her encounters. Sometimes, he wonders if she's doing it to make him jealous (and the one time he did hit one of them, she came home with him and they were dead tired when they stopped having sex).

He doesn't keep count. If he kept count, he'd go insane.

-

Colonel Tigh comes to visit New Caprica sometimes--routine exchanges of information with the newly-minted colony leaders. Really, he comes for the booze. He catches them in a bar one night and looks at Sam, "I was right."

Sam doesn't bother answering.

The colonel continues, "You're an idiot, son."

"I love her."

"Yeah. That's what I said about Ellen."

They drink a silent toast to the women in their lives.

Kara goes home with one of the visiting viper jocks, the colonel goes back to Galactica to his wife, and Sam goes home to an empty tent. And the thought that maybe, this time, she won't be back.

-

He never asks if she wants a divorce. He's too afraid she'll say yes.

-

Sometimes, he thinks of doing what she does. Of finding some willing partner and having anonymous sex that feels dirty and wrong and forbidden. But when he looks at the women of New Caprica, they all come up short against his wife.

And maybe some of it is that he simply doesn't want to. Kara's doing what she wants, but not what he wants. Except that she comes back to him.

Sam thinks, maybe, he's a stupid frakhead who needs to get a life.

-

It's Kara who suggests the tattoos, and Sam holds himself so still while the artist inks him deftly. Then it's Kara's turn, and he watches her watch the needle, and wonders if this will be enough.

Standing, arm around her, looking in the mirror at the way they have to be together to be whole, Sam wonders what will come of this.

The sex is especially slow that night and he braces himself unconsciously.

She's gone in the morning, and he doesn't see her for three days.

When she returns, he's glad she at least took a shower. The tattoo is still shiny-pink and new around the edges when he runs his fingers over her arms.

"Hey."

"Hey."

It's not enough, but it's all she can give.

He takes that for what it's worth.

-

But things are good. There's almost an even keel, now, and Sam is very careful about pushing her. So careful, she sometimes mocks him before they fall into bed.

And then he gets sick--the pneumonia is running rampant with the cold, and half the workers in Sam's unit are down with it.

Kara has real worry in her eyes when she watches him. Worry and guilt and things he's not sure he understands in his feverish state.

"Not dying," he promises her the morning he gets up to play pyramid, despite the cold and the cough.

"Better not."

But she grabs him before he can leave and kisses him a little desperately.

Sam stops and cups her cheek, "I love you."

It's daylight and by unspoken agreement, he's not supposed to say those words. Not where others can hear, not where she can understand him. And he wonders if she'll be gone when he comes back. She freezes and stares up at him. And for just a moment, it works.

Then she shoves him out the door, "Go try killing yourself, idiot."

He almost stops, almost comes back to make (coughing and sick) love to his wife. But the urge to play pulls him away from her.

-

When the cylon comes for her, Sam wonders if this is how the Gods work.

He doesn't have the strength to fight it, barely has the energy to get out of bed. But he does, anyway. Because Kara is his, and no one can take her from him completely. Or so he tells himself after the cylon has beaten him and he's bruised and barely conscious.

"Sam." Her voice is full of worry.

The cylon is behind her, watching. "Hey." It's all he can manage.

Her fingers trail over his arm and she kisses him.

When he wakes from his unconscious state, he wonders if her whispered promise to come back to him was all a dream.

-f-


End file.
